Monday, December 31, 2007

The Year of the Purge

This picture is one of the prettiest among the 150 I took yesterday on my outing to Squamish.
As many people do on this last day of the year, I reflect on the happenings of the past year and rattle through my brain all of the goings on. This past year I am naming “the year of the purge”. I am almost speechless when I try to consider all the change, the accomplishments, the pouring out of myself after being locked away in my own grief for so many years.

I woke up this morning around 4am and lay in the dark contemplating the new year and in doing so remembered my past several years, thus I spent the next hour and a half sobbing. I survived yet another year, a feat in itself for many like me. I cried, trying to expel the last vestiges of pain left over from a year of trying to shrug it all off, shake off the dirt, pull my pants up and walk proud as if I had never fallen.

Ever since fibromyalgia claimed my life on Jan 14 2001, claimed the majority of my happiness, took my dream job away from me and left me wracked with pain for the past 7 years, I had stumbled around trying to figure out what was left for me. I had worked to support myself since I was 15, then supported the family I created for myself. I was a matriarch, responsible for all those around me (or always had thought I was and still think I am...) and I suddenly found myself having to depend on others (whom I am sad to say were not all that dependable nor supportive). I had dominated my world around me and suddenly found my self a subordinate, no longer in control of anything. For years I had wondered if I would ever work again, support myself again, feel productive and of some worth. I am glad that come tomorrow, the first day of 2008 I can say “I look forward to this coming year.”

Those words seem so very foreign to me. I will say them again. “I look forward to the year 2008 and all it has in store for me.” Seems profound, but I will make it all I can. This past year has seen a major growth spurt.

I began my year in a very odd way. At times I anger myself at how cruel I can be when I take what I need for myself, it’s rare enough for me to give to myself. But I began my year last Jan1st by telling my husband whom I had been separated from for nearly a year, yet dating once again, that my new years resolution was him. I wanted to dissolve what was left and say good bye. Start my year alone and I did, for 3 months anyways, until in a moment of weakness when my mental illness tried to claim me once more and he stepped back in when he knew I was helpless to say no. The only part of that resolution I succeeded in was that I never once said I love you again to him, that parts gone, never to return. We now only spend weekends together. I am still bound by the consequences that keep me fearful of leaving it behind once more. When you feel like your families happiness rides on your back its hard to turn it.

Those 1st 3 months without him around I tried to sink into my art. I painted quite a bit, I had been going to an artists studio to paint and was socializing again and pulling up my pants. I was knocked down a few times, but I got back up anyways. It was an odd thing that happened next. I had fallen in love with someone I admired from afar and let it consume me for some time. My love for him remained unspoken, not knowing what to do with it. I had spoken of my infatuation to a friend and she suggested I write it down. Write out what I feel, why, what I think I can do with it etc. I had been letting it consume and control my thoughts and I had wandered in my own daydreams and fantasies for months.

So I sat down and began to write. I had decided to start off by writing an account of what led up to me falling for him. I had tied it all in together with what I had experienced in the past 7 years and the way my life had been place at a dead stand still. So I wrote an autobiography about my past 7 years. It nearly landed me in the hospital, remembering all of what I had wanted to wipe out of my mind and in a way writing it all down helped purge some of the pent up suffering I had held onto so tightly. With that gone and writing about the long steps I took in ending my marriage that led to my independence and the freedom to actually fall in love with someone else, I began to write out how I fell in love.From there it grew into writing out a fantasy of what I wished would or could happen. Somewhere along the line I was side tracked and had begun writing erotic poems back and forth to an online friend. Never intending to ever take the steps to make a real life lover with him even though he lived in the same city, I let my mind free and wrote some of the most powerful poems I had ever written. He and I shared a battle of words and wit. He would fire one poem at me and I would reply to it with another. Before we knew it we had nearly 100 poems and decided we should organize it into a book. I’ll never forget that spurt of creative thought we shared, although brief. He had agreed to do some editing after I had arranged it into some form of order and while waiting I sat back and began to write more on my other story.

Then as I thought I had reached the end of that fantasy, I realized I was still not ready to let go of it. I had written it all in a 1st party perspective as if I were narrating my life story. But the story had evolved into a fictional work. So I set forth and divided the writings. I put aside the autobiographical parts and saved it for another time. I then rewrote the beginning of the novel, edited it , changed it to a 3rd party perspective and Psychic Passions was officially born. When I had reached the end I was reluctant to let it go yet again and after several edits I continued it until I had myself a full length novel. Although my thoughts of him continued and feelings remained the same I put a “The End” to my story.

I’ve given myself permission to feel what I feel and to not let it interfere with my life and although I still think of him and love him I know I’ll never have him, nor should I and I will allow my love to remain just that, pure and simple, accepting that I don’t have to let it die, I can allow it to just fade in time slowly, look back one day fondly and be thankful that it bore a novel to remember him with for the rest of my life.

With that said here is a list of happenings in my busy year.
- A dozen paintings.
- I pulled a major brain fuck with some Nigerian con-artist, whom I entertained myself with sadistically for 2 months before finally informing him I conned the con... hehe.
- An 80 page book of erotic poetry.
- A 7 year autobiography.
- A 97000 word paranormal erotic romance novel.
- 30000 words into a second erotic romance novel.
- I’ve developed many new friendships and acquaintances in the world of novelists through dedicated networking, blogging, chatting and running several myspace accounts.
- I’ve had a job interviewing authors for RG a 3D online chat forum, which I was sad to see closed its doors not too long after I had taken the job, (which took a lot of my time and I did not get paid for), but my goal had been to network and learn the industry, and I achieved that goal.
- I became involved with a friend and colleague from RG whom introduced me to the IMVU world and I was shown a world so foreign I immediately fit in. I found my long hidden persona and reclaimed my dominating needs and became a “virtual world” dominatrix/domme/mistress... what ever you wish to call it and reawakened a dead part of myself. Man did I ever miss me. (That’s another story I’ll write about one day...)
-To top it all off and make this year complete I was reintroduced to a colleague from RG and we became fast friends. I feel like I’ve known her a life time, but sometimes that’s how friendships are. I’ve come to realize that we meet the people we meet for a reason and every person in your life no matter how small take a part in creating your world.

The day before Christmas she offered me a fresh start in a position that suits my personality and skills... I am now the Marketing Manager for Eternal Press. An excellent way to begin a year, with a new job and a fresh open perspective.So I say it once more as if to affirm my faith. “I look forward to the year 2008 and all it has in store for me.” May all those I know and love be blessed.

1 comment:

Smut Girl said...

What a beautiful post. You have much to be proud of for 2007. Have a blessed and prosperous 2008. :)