Well I do believe it is on its way. This time of year usually starts to bug me the day after Halloween. November 1st the stores start to play Xmas music and my blood boils for a month, then for the following month I struggle to keep my head high enough to survive the holiday and keep my appearances up for family, the mask comes on. To me Xmas is all about expectations and that is what drives me batty. As I’ve said before, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it is the one holiday where the only expectations everyone has is to have a good meal with the people you love. I no longer view Xmas as such a holiday, I wish I did, but I don’t. It seems to me to be an endless 2 months of I wants, can I haves and commercials convincing you that you will be loved if you get them an “Oh my God I love you” present. Fuck that shit! I really do hate my own cynicism and I will try as always to get into the spirit of things, put up a tree, paint a pretty winter scene on my patio windows and put up Xmas lights.
But because I don't want to suck everyone into my pit, I will suffer quietly. I learned that I loose friends when I dump my shit, so now I just stay as silent as can be until the storm passes. Once the holidays come to an end, I crash soon afterwards when I let all my bottled up shit spill out and I fall to the bottom level of my pit.
Below is my painting depicting my pit. The painting is named...
"Lost in Anguish"
I try not to do it every year and every year I fail. So I am going to expect it this year, I am tired of fighting so hard and beating my self up every year that I fail. So here it is, please don’t take it as a personal insult if I don’t write like I used to, post like I used to, chat or send cute little comments. Yes I enjoy your emails and comments, just please expect smaller ones than usual, and don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. I beg you not to send me your suggestions on how to feel better, I’ve suffered in this way from the time I was 10 and I believe I’ve tried it all. I will hopefully post more when I am feeling the need. I do intend to do some things differently. I will try to post more in my support groups, I will chat more often and try to stay social on IM's to keep my brain busy. Stay out of bed and hope that I can go one more year without being hospitalized (20months so far, pretty good) again. I promise to be aware of my levels of despair and to head to the hospital if I know I am in danger.
I will most likely be unable to write much more on my book until I am feeling inspired again and at the moment I have only 1 ambition, to survive. Usually the first shoots of the spring crocus’s in February perk me up and get my attention and my heart and brain starts to pump me full of the I’m dying to feel good chemicals. So until then I shall patiently wait. For now just think of me as a Turtle hiding in its shell until it feels safe again to come out. Try not to worry.
My motto for this year is...
“The key to survival is self acceptance.”