This Blog's for you Mum.

Today's Blog Dedicated to My Mum

Today is my Mothers birthday, Irene Viva Runa Krueger. It's a rarity for me to even realize when her birthdays arrive. Had she survived to old age she would be turning 65 today. She died very young, only 38 and I was but 14 when she was taken.

After so many decades I've stopped setting aside days to grieve and remember her when the mood strikes me and I now only grieve for her when I am in my most vulnerable and deepest of depressions. I feel closer to her now than I did back then. She was at a loss as to how to deal with me, an undiagnosed bipolar teenager, she suffered far greater trauma than I at the hands of her mental illness. Treatments and stigma surrounding her illness either kept her isolated within our own family unit or hospitalized. She was far braver than I ever gave her credit for.

I was only able to finally connect with her a few years back and came to understand her on a level I never thought possible. It wasn't until I fell terribly ill and was wracked with the most mind boggling pain, the suffering I endured was like a light bulb going off and I suddenly was able to comprehend all she went through. With the pain came the end of my employment and the end of much that was dear to me, including my own sanity. I had always been able to struggle through my depressive phases and take advantage of my mania (all that time I just thought I was over bubbly), I was the breadwinner raising four children, debt up to my ears and quite used to being the dominant role in my household, I didn't have time to think about my own needs.

Suddenly finding my self physically disabled, no longer the dominant driving force within my family and being more idle than my mind could fathom, it didn't take long before the rest of me followed suit and I began to feel as desperately hopeless as I know my Mum felt, after the leg injury that kept her in constant pain. I'm lucky that I've learned how to withstand my pain, eat it and allow it to slip past the reaches of my mind without drugs. I am equally lucky to have a somewhat dependable support system.

After my mother died I lost the rest of my family and left home at 15, so I created my own family, this family keeps my head above the water. I raised my children with the full knowledge of what mental illness does, how to cope with it, understand it and accept it as a normal part of their lives when it came to understanding me, my moods, my crashes, my spontaneous nature. They in turn remind me when I am spiraling in either direction, constantly reassure me and I in turn keep close tabs on them and what happens in their lives. My kids have always come to me even with the most embarrassing and difficult problems knowing they would find support and acceptance.

I know my mother loved me deeply, she gave her life with hopes to save me from my own self destruction when she quit drinking. She drank because of the pain, physical and emotional, she faced criticism and stigmatism at every turn, especially within her own family. When she became sober her body just plain couldn't deal with it and within weeks her body refused to fight anything and a simple cold claimed her in a matter of 12 hours.

When she died I was too young to understand that she had not abandoned me, that she had not just given up and allowed death to claim her. I know better now, I understand her now, myself as well and I am grateful for the time I had with her, although it was short. I am sorry it took me so long to "get it", I can't regret the fact that I had to learn my lessons the hard way. Had my life not turned so dramatically, I wouldn't be sitting here writing, nor would I have written a novel, nor would I have the foggiest clue as to what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I am no longer a bartender making 3 to 4 grand a month, I may be poor at the moment, but now I am feeling more productive and I have more hope than I ever had before.

Thankyou for the lessons Mum. I love you. Happy Birthday.

PS, Friends and fellow bloggers, you've seen the funny, horny, creative me, welcome to the dramatic side of me.
;)~